Friday, September 24, 2010
I am an emotional eater. This is something I've always known, but since beginning Weight Watchers, it's become more apparent exactly how often I turn to food for comfort. Here is what really captured my attention today and made me realize how big of a struggle it truly is in my life.
So, last night we got a call from our social worker, that the most recent birth mom that was viewing our profile, had chosen someone else, and decided to place her baby outside of Memphis. While we should be use to this by now, this time was different. Our social worker had pretty much told us that they were only showing a few profiles, and more than likely this birth mom would be choosing us. We got excited, which is understandable, because we thought for the first time ever we would get to buy Santa presents for a baby. We didn't care that he/she would only be a few weeks old at Christmas, we were just excited to get to do something so small that others have done for years! So when the call came that we weren't picked, we were sad. Correction, we were devastated. We had to tell people that we had shared with that the mom didn't pick us. We had to tell family that we weren't going to be adding to the fold. We had to come to grips with the whole thing ourselves, and that....sucked.
Here's a little "back story." Before work yesterday I put a roast, potatoes, carrots, onions in the crock pot for dinner. While I'm not a huge meat fan, Donnie is, and this meal has a little bit of "goodness" for both of us. I love the way the carrots, onions and potatoes taste after marinating with the roast all day, and Donnie loves the roast. So, when I got home yesterday, dinner was ready! The social worker called before dinner, so after we spent time crying, hugging, and processing the information, we sat down to eat. I couldn't tell you what that meal tasted like to SAVE.MY.LIFE. It was food, and it was filling a void that had been created just a few minutes before. When we got up from dinner, Donnie informed me that he was going to get some ice cream. I told him I didn't want any, but shocker...when he got home I ate some. Then, a few hours later I ate pretzels. I wasn't hungry at all, but somehow it still seemed like a good idea, and I still ate some before bed. I went to bed around 9:00, exhausted from emotions, and thought surely Friday would be a better day. Well, today, when I got up the feeling of sadness was still there, and surprise, surprise...I wanted to eat.
I have been at my desk since 7:50 this morning, and every 10 to 15 minutes, I start rummaging around for food. Now, when I started weight watchers I "de-junked" my desk, and don't have snacks lying around like I use too. Sadly, I ate my only snack at 8:30, **side note-I did eat breakfast, but apparently convinced myself I needed my snack at 8:30** so now, I've been sitting here, waiting to go to lunch, starving, because I was trying to bring about happiness through food. How lame is that? Food..right, like that's ever helped anyone get over a rough spot in their life.
My new challenge is that any time I'm feeling empty, or sad, I turn to the bible for food. Just this morning I read:
Ephesians 3:19 and to know this love that surpasses knowledge—that you may be filled
to the measure with the fullness of God.
John 10:10 The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may
have life, and have it to the full.
I don't need to get my support or encouragement from food, as that will always leave me empty and wanting for more. I need to turn to Jesus where I can always count on something that will fill me up to overflowing!
Is there anything that you automatically turn to during times of trials or sadness?
**Another side note before closing out**While Donnie and I know that God has a plan for us, and that this baby wasn't the one chosen to become our family, we still ask that you pray for the health of the baby, and for the birth mom. Our one goal during this season of our life is that God is glorified! We pray that we are a living witness to God's work in our life, and that though we feel knocked down and run over, we still believe in His plan!