Monday, January 11, 2010

"If it were up to me"

So, yeah, it's been a while since I've blogged. Sorry to be such a bad blogger, and slacker when it comes to posting great deals. Thanksgiving hit, and from then until now we have been on the go, go, go! I had originally planned on getting here to talk about some great deals I've been getting lately, but that can wait until tomorrow. Today I want to just blog about something that is so near and dear to my heart...and I'm going to title it "If it were up to me."

If it were up to me.....

* I would have buckled down when I was at MTSU and finished college in 4 years, with my parents paying for everything. As it turned out, I liked to play, so I ended up in Memphis, and well to say it took longer than four years, and that I've had to pay for it all, would be an understatement. However, if I had never left MTSU would I have met Donnie, experienced life over the past 17 years, and learned all the life lessons that I have? Probably not, so I guess that why it's not up to me.

* I would have told my brother in law Brent that I loved him more often before he died. He was like an aggravating big brother (even though he was younger than me) always telling me what to do, and what "would be a good idea." The one thing I know is that he loved my sister with all his heart, and if he could have lived on love alone, he would still be with us today. Who knew when he went to Iraq we would never get to see him alive again, who knew? I guess, that's why it's not up to me.

* Heck, for that matter, if it was up to me, Brent would still be alive, and he and Amy would have a house somewhere (I'm sure not Memphis) and they would have kids, and Maddey and Penny, and life would be great. But that wasn't God's plan, and it wasn't in His time, so that's why I guess, it's not up to me.

* I would have met Donnie 5 years before I did, so that this year we would be celebrating 10 years of marriage together instead of 5. As it was, we did only meet 6 years ago, but those have been some of the best, and hardest 6 years of my life. It wasn't in God's timing for us to meet before we did, and there was nothing I could do to change, so that's why I guess, it's not up to me.

* We would not only be celebrating 5 years of marriage, but we would have a 4 year old and a 2 year old....and I would have never had to jump on this ride called infertility. His ways are not my ways, so I guess that's why, it's not up to me.

* Even if we didn't have a 4 and 2 year old, we would have had at least one biological child, instead of years and years of endless test, empty promises, and broken hearts. I guess that's why, it's not up to me.

* We would have been chosen out of the waiting pool of parents just a few weeks after we put our information out there for adoption. Instead it's been six months, and the only thing we hear is a monthly update (if the social worker remembers) that goes out to all waiting families. I guess that's why, it's not up to me.

* My Nana and Grandaddy would still be alive. There are days I just miss my Nana. I long to hear her voice on the phone, and though it was annoying, her asking about Donnie first, and then me. Grandaddy would have liked Donnie, I just know it. I wish they could have met, and then Donnie would know where my dad and Uncle Bobby get their true "Mullins spirit" from....ha. I guess that's why, it's not up to me.

* People would understand loss, and death when it happens to a young married couple. I watched as the church as a whole didn't know what to do with my sister because she was 25 and newly widowed. Widows were old ladies, not young women....or so they thought. So instead of ministering to her, they left her alone and would talk to my parents and grandparents. True, they had lost a son in law, but she lost her HUSBAND. If someone would've reached out would things have been different? I don't know...and I guess that's why, it's not up to me.

* People would understand infertility. Pretending that we haven't gone through a struggle, or asking my Mom how I'm doing, while pretending I don't exist doesn't cut it. Yes, it hurts. Yes, some days you want to scream. Yes, hosting, co-hosting, or attending 18 baby showers within 12 months felt like my world was crashing in, but just ask ME. The one who is going through it. Guess what? I'm not fragile, and I'm not going to fall apart on you. But acknowledging that something is going on, goes a lot further than tiptoeing around it. Some days I want to scream "Don't gripe about your kids, don't tell me that we don't understand chaos because we don't have kids, don't take it for granted that you have been able to experience one of the most amazing things on the face of the earth....just don't." But I guess that's why, it's not up to me.

* People would use discretion when talking to a large group of people. Guess what? Not everyone is a parent, and you can bet in a large crowd there is more than one person that is struggling with some type of loss. So to address a crowd as "Parents, Grandparents, Singles and Youth" leaves out a whole dynamic. If I could talk to every speaker in America I would say that one thing....don't assume everyone falls into one of those categories. But I guess that's why, it's not up to me.

* I would let my friends know that yes, it probably seems like Donnie and I would have a lot of free time because we don't have kids, but alas, that's not true. See when you don't have children people actually expect a lot more out of you. We get asked to run to the grocery store for my Pops, or run a quick errand for Mimi, or help out with this event or that....because, "you have the time." When asked recently in a class how we manage to set aside time for us to spend alone, almost everyone in there said "because they don't have kids," and the flesh in me wanted to scream back "not by choice." However, I just smiled and let Donnie answer. I guess that's why, it's not up to me.

* I would understand why God gives us challenges. I would understand why He let's certain things happen to some people and not to others. I would make sure that everyone I know experiences blessings from God in only a way that He can bless us. I would make sure that I never hurt anyone by saying, or doing the wrong thing. I would love, listen, and encourage more, and talk less. But I KNOW that's why, it's not up to me.

Isaiah 55:6-10

6 Seek the LORD while he may be found; call on him while he is near.

7 Let the wicked forsake his way and the evil man his thoughts. Let him turn to the LORD, and he will have mercy on him, and to our God,
for he will freely pardon.

8 "For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways,"
declares the LORD.

9 "As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts.


  1. Kim, You sound kinda down. You that is OK. You are RIGHT. It is not all up to you. but remember "But seek ye first the kingdom of God, and his righteousness; and all these things shall be added unto you." Matthew 6:33. I know that you and Donnie do seek God's guidance and I love you for that! Remember: James 4:8- Draw near to God, and he will draw near to you! You are on my prayer list! I understand!

  2. Let me add a little comment! Also, it is not comforting when people tell you regarding your infertility that it will just happen when you stop thinking and worrying about it. No, that's not how it works. When it is a medical issue, it has NOTHING to do with my thinking and worrying about it. Would you tell someone with cancer that they will go into remission if they would just quit thinking and worrying about it??? UGH. That one always made me crazy!